How to Help Without Fixing

A Toolkit for Supporters

Many of you reading this have already developed your own versions of these approaches through necessity and love. You've learned through trial and error what works and what doesn't, discovered the difference between helpful presence and harmful fixing. You've earned your expertise through years of showing up.

This toolkit isn't meant to teach you how to care - it's meant to help systematize what you already know, fill any gaps, and create something shareable with others who might be newer to supporting someone through crisis.

For those who've been doing this work for years: your experience matters. Use what serves you, adapt what doesn't, and consider this a framework for documenting your own hard-won wisdom.

When Christine was struggling, I had to learn these principles the hard way. Well-meaning people would often make things worse by trying to fix what couldn't be fixed, or by offering help that created more work instead of less.

Today I'm sharing the toolkit I wish we'd had from the beginning - practical ways to support someone during their hardest moments without adding to their burden.

The Five Principles of Non-Fixing Support

1. Presence Over Solutions

Instead of: "Have you tried..." "You should..." "What if you..."

Try: "I'm here." "This sucks." "You don't have to figure this out right now."

Why it matters: People in crisis don't need more variables to consider. They need someone to witness their reality without trying to change it.

2. Ask Before Acting

Instead of: Jumping in to help with what YOU think needs doing

Try: "What would be most helpful right now?" "Should I stay or give you space?" "Is there one thing I could take off your plate today?"

Why it matters: Help that isn't wanted often creates more work. The person has to manage your help on top of everything else.

3. Follow Their Lead

Instead of: Pushing them to "get back to normal" on your timeline

Try: Matching their energy level and accepting where they are today

Why it matters: Recovery isn't linear. Some days are survival days, and that's okay.

4. Concrete Over Abstract

Instead of: "Let me know if you need anything" (puts burden on them to ask)

Try: "I'm going to the store Tuesday - can I pick up anything for you?" "I have Thursday afternoon free - want me to sit with you or handle some errands?"

Why it matters: Making decisions is exhausting when you're struggling. Specific offers require less mental energy.

5. Normalize the Hard

Instead of: Toxic positivity or minimizing their experience

Try: Acknowledging that some days are just brutal and that's part of the human experience

Why it matters: People need permission to struggle without performing gratitude or inspiration.

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The Crisis Communication Toolkit

Here's a practical system Christine and I developed for communicating during her worst episodes. Use this as a starting point and adapt it to your situation.

The Five-Word Check-In

Instead of "How are you?" (which requires a complex answer), we used single words or very short phrases:

• "Okay" - Functioning normally

• "Rough" - Struggling but managing

• "Hard" - Having a very difficult time

• "Crisis" - Need immediate support

• "Space" - Need to be alone right now

No explanations required. No follow-up questions unless they offer more information.

The Support Menu

We kept a running list of things that actually helped during different types of episodes. When Christine said "Crisis," I could look at the menu instead of asking what she needed (which was often impossible for her to answer).

Physical comfort:

• Weighted blanket

• Ice pack for head

• Specific playlist (calming, not energizing)

• Room temperature water with a straw

• Dimmed lights

Practical support:

• Handle any urgent emails/calls

• Walk the dog

• Order easy food for later

• Cancel non-essential plans

• Set timers for medication

Presence:

• Sit quietly in the same room

• Read aloud (poetry worked well)

• Just breathe together

• No talking required

The Recovery Protocol

After a crisis passed, we had a gentle re-entry process:

1. No immediate debriefing - Let the nervous system settle first

2. Low-demand activities - Gentle movement, easy food, simple tasks

3. Gradual reconnection - Start with texts, then calls, then seeing people

4. Update the toolkit - What worked? What didn't? What do we want to try next time?

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Interactive Crisis Support Planner

Use this tool to create your own support plan with someone you care about